Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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