so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't put those talents on a resume
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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