My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
