your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
