Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
