hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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