Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
