I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
