you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
