Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
