I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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