After last night, I could never be a politician.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
