I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
