Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
