Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
