it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
