End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
