i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
