Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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