We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
