The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Fuck me I smell like cheese
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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