The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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