When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
