I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
