he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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