lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
