3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Drake has all the answers
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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