Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
