Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
