when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
