Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
