Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
