If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Randomize
