Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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