I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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