Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i've created a new STD.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
