M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
