On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
