just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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