My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
