I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
