I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
