Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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