Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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