everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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