chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
