dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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