I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
