I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
