I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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