there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I did not marry a roomba.
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