When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
